It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
