i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
