just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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