There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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