i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
