remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
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