My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
