This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
