She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
