I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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