the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
