How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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