she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
