so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
