I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just high enough for therapy.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Randomize
