The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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