I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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