so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
