I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Porn is love you can see.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
