Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
