BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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