When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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