My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
