I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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