Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
