Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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