Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
