Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
