Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
