Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We had to coat check the pizza.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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