Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
