my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Sorry about my life...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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