how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
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Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
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There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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