Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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