So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Randomize
