I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
