i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
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I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
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I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize