the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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