I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
