you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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