Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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