I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Actions speak louder than pants.
ttyl tear gas
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
