You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
