dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
His hands were made for my vagina.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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