How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
