i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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