There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
