I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The police scanner is talking about you again....
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
