My nipple is on Facebook.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
