i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
