i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
