Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
