$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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