If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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