You really coming over, don't trick.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
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