I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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