umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
