I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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