I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
