just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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