I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
