I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
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"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
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I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
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