Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
